Quotes – Set 2

Here are the ones I’ve collected. New ones show up at the bottom.
The original set is Part 1.

 

Vesilind’s Laws of Experimentation:
1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.
2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.

Leibowitz’s Rule:
When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you hold the hammer with both hands.

He who is a legend in his own time, is ruled by that legend. It may begin in absolute innocence, but to cover up the flaws and maintain the myth of divine power, one has to employ desperate measures.
– Victor Hugo

I don’t want the cheese, I just want to get out of the trap.
– Spanish Proverb

A man is not idle because he is absorbed in thought. There is visible labour, and there is invisible labour.
– Victor Hugo

I lay here crying in bed, once upon a dream,
precious life is much more than it seems,
I wake up thinkin’ everything’s okay,
I’m mistaken.
The phone begins to ring…
– Zodiak, Precious Life

Trust I seek, and I find in you,
everyday for us: something new,
open mind for a different view,
and nothing else matters.
– Metallica, Nothing Else Matters

Girl on talk show: ‘I was accused of having sex with a hot dog… I’m a healthy girl’
Mathew: What does that mean?
Victor: It means she uses turkey hot dogs.

If you don’t expect too much from me, you might not be let down…
– Gin Blossoms, Hey Jealousy

Most of us love the stage and suicide is definitely your last performance and being addicted to the stage, suicide was never an option…
– Tori Amos, Death: The High Cost of Living

We are still under the sway of the destructive and vain belief that man is the pinnacle of creation, and not just a part of it, and that, therefore, everything is permitted…
– Vaclav Havel, to the United States Congress

Carpe Diem
– Chad, among others

Every man, in the state of nature, has a power to kill a murderer.
– John Locke, Second Treatise of Government

Strange it is that men should admit the validity of the arguments for free discussion, but object to their being "pushed to an extreme," not seeing that unless the reasons are good for an extreme case, they are not good for any case.
– John Stuart Mill, On Liberty

This is to think, that men are so foolish, that they take care to avoid what mischiefs may be done them by pole-cats, or foxes; but are content, nay, think it safety, to be devoured by lions.
– John Locke, Second Treatise of Government

What I then got hold of, something frightful and dangerous, a problem with horns but not necessarily a bull…
– Friedrich Nietzsche, Attempt at a Self-Criticism

Christianity was from the beginning, essentially and fundamentally, life’s nausea with life, merely concealed behind, masked by, dressed up as, faith in "another" or "better" life.
– Friedrich Nietzsche, Attempt at a Self-Criticism

You ought to learn the art of this-worldly comfort first; you ought to learn to laugh, my young friends, if you are hell-bent on remaining pessimists.
– Friedrich Nietzsche, Attempt at a Self-Criticism

This crown of the laughter, the rose-wreath crown: to you, my brothers, I throw this crown. Laughter I have pronounced holy: you higher men, learn- to laugh!
– Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra

Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of all children.
Do you understand?
Do you understand?
– The Crow

If I wanted to shake this tree with my hands I should not be able to do it. But the wind, which we do not see, tortures and bends it in whatever direction it pleases. It is by invisible hands that we are tortured worst.
– Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra

Brave, unconcerned, mocking, violent – thus wisdom wants us: she is a woman and always loves only a warrior.
– Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra

True, we love life, not because we are used to living, but because we are used to loving. There is always some madness in love. But there is always some reason in madness.
– Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra

There is only one thing a philosopher can be relied on to do, and that is to contradict other philosophers.
– William James

Power is me sneaking into your home through a wire.
– Todd Rundgren

Drunk, he slew no hearth companions.
– Beowulf

Fratricide is good…
– Matt Horcha

I’m tired of being tied up to motorboats and being dragged around like a fool…
– Sol Rosenberg

It is not because it symbolizes feminine virginity that integrity fascinates man; but it is his admiration for integrity that renders virginity precious.
– Simone DeBeauvoir, The Second Sex

To have too much is no better than to have enough.
– Simone DeBeauvoir, The Second Sex

To decline to accept such notions as the eternal feminine, the black soul, the Jewish character, is not to deny that Jews, Negroes, women exist today– this denial does not represent a liberation for those concerned, but rather a flight from reality.
– Simone DeBeauvoir, The Second Sex

Herr Lango has a big frown on his face…
– Professor Fugate

This is my good; this I love; it pleases me wholly; thus alone do I want the good. I do not want it as divine law; I do not want it as human statute and need. It shall not be a signpost for me to overearths and paradises.
– Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra

Alas, my brothers, this god whom I created was man-made and madness, like all gods! Man he was, and only a poor specimen of man and ego.
– Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra

Oh, great. Now I’ve got Sam trying to contradict the immutable laws of science. When am I gonna learn to keep my mouth shut?
– Woody on Cheers

At some time in the life cycle of virtually every organization, its ability to succeed in spite of itself runs out.
– Brien’s First Law

Creativity is hiding your sources.
– Mark Rein · Hagen, Vampire: The Masquerade

If for the future, [Topffer] would choose a less frivolous subject and restrict himself a little, he would produce things beyond all conception.
– Goethe, on Topffer’s proto-comic books

Man reckons with immortality, and forgets to reckon with death.
– Milan Kundera, Immortality

Is there something wrong, she said
Of course there is…
– Pearl Jam, Alive

I’ve noticed at DC now that there are fifth generation copyists starting to turn up. It was okay at the time, and Swamp Thing was really good, but when you start getting the origin of Congorilla with ‘poetic’ captions, things have gone seriously wrong.
– Grant Morrison

Oh God and Jesus!
Oh God and BABY Jesus!!!
– Sol Rosenberg

She was curious about Dick…
– Waterland

NO ADMITTANCE.
NOT EVEN TO AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL.
YOU ARE WASTING YOUR TIME HERE.
GO AWAY.

– Douglas Adams

I’ve been in that church.
– Sarah, pointing at the Ohio National Guard Armory in Xenia, Ohio

This car has so many cool places to hide pot!
– Tony, 5/1/94

What I want to do is get into children’s minds, and seriously disturb them.
– Grant Morrison

No matter; it will.
– Pablo Picasso, to a complaint that his portrait of Gertrude Stein did not look like her.

Don’t drink the water – fish have sex in it.
– Angus

People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use.
– Søren Kierkegaard

Never attribute to malice that which can be explained by ignorance.
– Anon.

Is Marlo a lying turd?
– Dr. Chris Latiolas

No-one who has never seen himself surrounded on all sides by nothing but the sea can have a true conception of the world and his relation to it.
– Goethe, Italian Journey

Instead of parading around, Gloria Steinem should sit down and watch a soap opera. They tell you the way it really is. She should take off her rose-colored glasses and really look.
– Carmen Delacorte, defying all assumptions about human rationality, as quoted in Arlie Hochschild’s "The Second Shift."

During this period, the Shermans’ baby-sitter grew depressed, began to drink heavily, and one day disappeared completely.
– Arlie Hochschild, The Second Shift

This too shall pass.

…making Linux the third most widely used operating systems on the Intel hardware, after MS-DOS and Doom…
– Jeff Dege

Since on economic grounds film is much more dependent on the general public than any other form of art, the "artistic" preferences of the public sweep everything before them.
– Rudolph Arnheim

And thus began the Great May 20 Newbie Slaughtering. People to this day still slaughter newbies for their thin yet oily coats. A sign of prestige in rac is to own a Suicide Squid t-shirt made from the skin of some college kid from Boston University, or to own an "Adventures of Paul" hardcover bound in the skin of an AOLer.
– Peter Goodrich

The best way to get even with your enemies is to outlive them…
– Ventrue Creed, Vampire: The Masquerade

It’s a stupid theory. Stupid stupid theory.
-Dr. Paul Davis, on Plato’s aesthetic theory

I’m already cut up and half dead,
I’ll end up alone like I began…
– Pearl Jam, Corduroy

If I say "Bo Knows Transvestitism," he’s hanging out in Macy’s trying on lingerie!!
– Tom Hart, Hutch Owen’s Working Hard

A critic with a single theory is like a gardener who uses a lawn mower on everything that grows.
– Pauline Kael, Circles and Squares

I’m not just blowing it out my ass to hear myself farting…
Where the hell did that come from?
– Dr. Paul Davis

Christian fundamentalism is the strange notion that an omnipotently powerful magnificent deity is intimately and personally concerned with my sex life.
– Unknown

Ideally understood, it is extremely comical that underlying the worldly wisdom that is so celebrated in the world, underlying all that diabolical profusion of good advice and clever clichés – "Wait and see," "Don’t worry," "Forget it" – there is utter stupidity about where and what the danger actually is.
– Søren Kierkegaard, The Sickness Unto Death

I think we made Satan sad.
– Kant, #jesus, 2:40 AM, 8/22/95

Donkeys are mystical creatures…
– Matt Lango, in EuroDisney

If you think there’s a solution, you’re a part of the problem.
– George Carlin

My dear wife was taken from me several months ago. Cancer. I’ve served God all my life. I thought that counted for something, but I prayed for my wife’s recovery and still she died. We’re dumb frightened animals, petitioning the sky, and if I can help ease the fear of my fellow creatures by lying to them about Heaven, then I shall. But why should I feel the need to kill God when he is so clearly already dead?
– Grant Morrisson, The Mystery Play

Most important, for crissakes, laugh at it all. Because the only thing separating holy writ form complete bullshit is your perspective. It’s your only weapon. Keep the safety off, don’t take yourself too seriously, and remember that at the end of the day, this is just an ant farm with beepers, and it takes zero politically correct assholes to screw in a light bulb, because they are perpetually in the fucking dark.
– Dennis Miller, The Rants

The point is, people who are threatened by jokes are the same people who tend to refer to actors on the soap operas by their character’s name.
– Dennis Miller, The Rants

I think so little of the variations in human sexuality that I refuse to treat you like a Fabergé egg. You are part of the human collective. Come, join us in our reindeer games. You too can be poked fun at.
– Dennis Miller, The Rants, on gays

Newt Gingrich recently said it is absolutely essential that we cut funding for Public Broadcasting. I believe Gingrich made those comments on "The MacNeil/Lehrer NewsHour."
– Dennis Miller, The Rants

Scientist estimate that by the end of this century, via the means of virtual reality, a man will be able to simulate making love to any woman he wants through his television set. You know folks, the day an unemployed ironworker can lie in his BarcaLounger with a Foster’s in one hand and a channel-flicker in the other and fuck Claudia Schiffer for $19.95, it’s gonna make crack look like Sanka.
– Dennis Miller, The Rants

I don’t care what arcane passage you pull out of the Old Testament and run through your Jeremiah-begat-Jedediah Decoder Ring, one of the definitive tenets of Christianity is tolerance.
– Dennis Miller, The Rants

People are actually making me out a liberal, when in actuality I’m a pragmatist, which means I think everybody is an asshole but me.
– Dennis Miller, The Rants

Painting was his world and his mode of existence… He painted on the afternoon of the day his mother died. In 1870, he was painting as l’Estaque while the police were after him for dodging the draft. And still he had moments of doubt about this vocation.
– Maurice Merleau-Ponty, Cezanne’s Doubt

Date us or shut up!
– Matt Priest, speaking for men everywhere

May you live in interesting times.
– Chinese curse/proverb

Don’t kid yourself Jimmy, if a cow ever got the chance, it would eat you and everyone you care about.
– Troy McLure, The Simpsons

And remember when you gaze into the Abyss
The Abyss gazes also into you.
– Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil

Alright, I’ll try to kill the zombie, but if he eats me once, I’m outta here.
– Brian, playing Resident Evil

The ascetic position is one of the highest fear, the gravest immobility. The severe abstinence of the ascetic becomes the ruling obsession. And it is one, not of self discipline, but of self-abnegation.
– Audre Lorde, Uses of the Erotic: The Erotic as Power

Pretty much any girl I’d take with me would just end up being an angry waste of money months later…
– Matt Priest, on his free airline miles

You need a critical mass of people who find friendship in clever, off-the-wall, and abrasive argumentation that is worthwhile because it comes from interesting people who are very different from one another.
– plusplusC, on #jesus

How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
That’s not funny.
– Brian

I go to school, I write exams,
If I pass, if I fail, if I drop out does anyone give a damn,
And if they do, they’ll soon forget,
Because it won’t take much for me to show that my life ain’t over yet.
– Barenaked Ladies, What a Good Boy

And the lord spake unto the Angel that guarded the eastern gate, saying Where is the flaming sword which was given unto thee?
And the Angel said, I had it here only a moment ago, I must have put it down some where, forget my own head next.
And the Lord did not ask him again.
– Genesis 3:25-27, N. Gaiman & T. Pratchett

A lot of people see sex as the last bus stop; I mean, after that, what next?
– Gurkan

Trying to reconcile creationism to evolutionary theory is like walking around trying to apply the AD&D alignments to the people you meet in your life.
– snaf, on #jesus

When one’s eyes are turned toward heaven, the depravity of earthly existence can be ignored. The search for metaphysical sources of meaning and the justification of earthly egoism go well together.
– Seyla Benhabib, Critique, Norm, and Utopia

resident: the #aynrand folks probably got so self-sufficient and individualistic that connecting to others on irc is passe collectivism.
– plusplusC, on #jesus

Christianly understood, every poet-existence is sin, the sin of poeticizing instead of being, of relating to the good and the true through the imagination instead of being that – that is, existentially striving to be that.
– Søren Kierkegaard, The Sickness Unto Death

The mirror of possibility is no ordinary mirror; it must be used with extreme caution, for, in the highest sense, this mirror does not tell the truth.
– Søren Kierkegaard, The Sickness Unto Death

Absolutely free from any cant, hypocrisy, falsehood, compromise, or any attempt to conciliate the stupid or the ignorant.
– Tagline to the ACME Novelty Library, V2, #2

To all people, living and dead, who figure in these memoirs, I tender my affection and, where needed, my apologies.
– John Updike, Self-Conscious

Microsoft: If you don’t know where you want to go, we’ll make sure you get taken.
– Japanese translation of Microsoft’s slogan "Where do you want to go today?"

Amidst all this bustle, ‘tis not reason which carries the prize, but eloquence; and no man needs ever despair of gaining proselytes to the most extravagant hypothesis, who has art enough to represent it in any favourable colours.
– David Hume, A Treatise of Human Nature

You don’t live with me. You live among the remains of dead people. You sift through the detritus, you read the terrain, you search for signs of passing, for the scent of your prey, and then you hunt them down.
– Michael Mann, Heat

Reason is, and ought only to be the slave of the passions, and can never pretend to any other office than to serve and obey them.
– David Hume, A Treatise of Human Nature

Tho’ we may easily observe, there is no man so constantly posses’d of this virtue, as never on any occasion to yield to the solicitations of passion and desire.
– David Hume, A Treatise of Human Nature

There is an inconvenience which attends all abstruse reasoning, that it may silence, without convincing an antagonist, and requires the same intense study to make us sensible of its force, that was at first requisite for its invention.
– David Hume, A Treatise of Human Nature

‘Tis impossible to refute a system, which has never been explained. In such a manner of fighting in the dark, a man loses his blows in the air, and often places them where the enemy is not present.
– David Hume, A Treatise of Human Nature

Seeger’s Law:
Anything in parentheses can be ignored.

Sandiland’s Law:
Free time that unexpectedly becomes available will be wasted.

Law of the Individual:
Nobody really cares or understands what anyone else is doing.

Grandpa Charnock’s Law:
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Lieberman’s Law:
Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

Churchill’s Commentary on Man:
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.

Hartley’s Second Law:
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you’ve got something.

Sturgeon’s Law:
Ninety percent of everything is crap.

Young’s Law of Inanimate Mobility:
All inanimate objects can move just enough to get in your way.

John’s Collateral Corollary:
In order to get a loan you must first prove you don’t need it.

Rap’s Law of Inanimate Reproduction:
If you take something apart and put it back together enough times, eventually you will have two of them.

I hate a drinking companion, says the Greek proverb, who never forgets. The follies of the last debauch should be buried in eternal oblivion, in order to give full scope to the follies of the next.
– David Hume, An Enquiry Concerning the Principles of Morals

If men attempt the discussion of questions, which lie entirely beyond the reach of human capacity, such as those concerning the origin of worlds, or the economy of the intellectual system or region of spirits, they may long beat the air in their fruitless contests, and never arrive at any determinate conclusion.
– David Hume, An Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding

Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
– Martin Luther King, Jr., Letter From Birmingham Jail

Hot glue and staples… that’s what this bitch is made of…
– Lizzie Kosteilney, on her Japanese Theater puppet

You won’t see a lot of these pro-life people dousing themselves in kerosene and lighting themselves on fire. Y’know, morally-commited, religious people in South Vietnam knew how to stage a goddamn demonstration, didn’t they? They knew how to put on a fuckin’ protest! Light yourself on fire!
– George Carlin

It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.
– Dave Barry

In our daily trials rebellion plays the same role as does the "cogito" in the realm of thought: it is the first piece of evidence. But this evidence lures the individual from his solitude. It founds its first value on the whole human race. I rebel – therefore we exist.
– Albert Camus, The Rebel

When the throne of God is overturned, the rebel realizes that it is now his own responsibility to create the justice, order, and unity that he sought in vain within his own condition, and in this way to justify the fall of God.
– Albert Camus, The Rebel

In [the Greeks’] universe there were more mistakes than crimes, and the only definitive crime was excess. In a world entirely dominated by history, which ours threatens to become, there are no longer any mistakes, but only crimes, of which the greatest is moderation.
– Albert Camus, The Rebel

We’ve heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the Complete Works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
– Robert Wilensky, University of California

Anthony’s Law of Force:
Don’t force it, get a bigger hammer.

Maler’s Law:
Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.

Bunuel’s Law of Efficiency:
Overdoing it is harmful in all cases, even when it comes to efficiency.

We’re Hans and Franz! We’re here to Machiavelli you up!
– Chris, on his poli-sci presentation

I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
– unnamed English professor, Ohio University.

Drove downtown in the rain, nine thirty on a Tuesday night, just to check out the late night record shop.
Call it impulsive, call it compulsive, you can call it insane, but when I’m surrounded I just can’t stop…
– Barenaked Ladies, Brian Wilson

A common man marvels at uncommon things; a wise man marvels at the commonplace.
– Confucius

As soon as a group sets itself up as the final moral arbiter of other people’s actions, especially when it’s members believe they have discovered absolute standards of right and wrong, it marks the beginning of the end of tolerance, and thus reason and rationality. It is this characteristic more than any other that makes a cult, a religion, a nation, or any group dangerous to individual freedom.
– Michael Shermer, Why People Believe Weird Things

Science is not the affirmation of a set of beliefs but a process of inquiry aimed at building a testable body of knowledge constantly open to rejection or confirmation. In science, knowledge is fluid and certainly fleeting. That is at the heart of its limitations. It is also its greatest strength.
– Michael Shermer, Why People Believe Weird Things

Thinking is skilled work. It is not true that we are naturally endowed with the ability to think clearly and logically – without learning how, or without practicing. People with untrained minds should no more expect to think clearly and logically than people who have never learned and never practiced can expect to find themselves good carpenters, golfers, bridge players, or pianists.
– Alfred Mander

I’m like an opening band for the sun…
– Pearl Jam, Push Me, Pull Me

When money talks, I hate to listen,
But lately it’s been screaming in my ear.
– Ben Folds Five, Emaline

Heavy metal fans are buyin’ heavy metal records, takin’ the records home, listening to the records, and then blowing their heads off with shotguns? Where’s the problem? That’s an unemployment solution right there, folks! It’s called natural selection, it’s the bottom of the fuckin’ food chain. Okay?!
– Denis Leary

To absent friends, lost loves, old gods and the season of mists; and may each and every one of us always give the devil his due.
– Neil Gaiman, Season of Mists, Episode 1

In theory one should be able to create a feeling of nowness in a sufficiently elaborate machine, said Mr. X [Feynman].
– James Gleick, Genius

Even so, Phi Beta Delta perceived a problem. There did seem to be a connection between hard studying and failure to dance.
– James Gleick, Genius

Would it be illegal for me to just go now?
– Matt Priest, to Taco Bell Lady

Well, we have spent millennia trying to get to the top of the foodchain… ah, forget it…
– Dr. Chris Latiolais, discussing the virtues of vegetarian pizza

They sing no songs in Hel, nor do they celebrate heroes, for silent is that dismal realm and cheerless, but the story of the Gjallerbru and the god who defended it is whispered across the nine worlds, and when a new arrival asks about the one to whom even Hela bows her head, the answer is always the same: he stood alone at Gjallerbru, and that is answer enough.
– Walter Simonson, Thor

I will set down a tale… it may be history it may be only a legend, a tradition. It may have happened, it may not have happened. But it could have happened.
– Mark Twain

I know what the Parthenon is, and I know what classical music is, and I know what a money-sucking, little geek is.
– Dr. Paul Davis, on Yanni and his music

Eblis O’Shaughnessy: You were created by five of the Endless, but you can neither dream, nor, ultimately, destroy, and that shall be your triumph and that shall be your tragedy.
– Neil Gaiman, The Wake

Listen Friston- Don’t think the irony’s lost on me! You go to the forest and tell that Hutch fuck that we’re gonna tear down his little thatched-roof monk-hut and I’m gonna park my big dick tank of hot air and nothing for the next thirty eons!!!
– Tom Hart, Hutch Owen’s Working Hard

I do like the idea of a Talking Death doll. Says six different phrases: "I am Death," "One lifetime is all you get," "I’ve got a job to do, and I do it," "In the end there is me," "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious," "Gee, math is hard."
– Lance Smith

Awesome is this suite.
– Matt Priest, "Awesome," describing Crissey 307, Spring ‘96

This free-for-all, this notion that all ideas should contend and there will be blinding light out of which you will see the truth – ha!
– Singapore’s Lee Kuan Yew, on Western-style freedom of speech

If you ever think that you’re going to use one, or if you do use one, you’ll become a charcoal briquette.
– General Colin Powell, on what Clinton should tell North Korea about nuclear weapons

They’re orcs… the standard party doesn’t need a reason. They could have flowers in their hair, it doesn’t matter.
– Tom, on Dragon covers

I’m going to butt my way into the future…
– Colin, playing a monkey in Bloody Roar

Big-ass gators eat people all the time!
– Nate, explaining the inevitable success of "Lake Placid"

In the Jesus position is a really big chair. It is the kind of thing you’d get if you went to a Finnish designer with a shaved head, rimless glasses, and twin Ph.D.s in semiotics and civil engineering, wrote him a blank check, and asked him to design a throne.
– Neal Stephenson, Cryptonomicon

Perhaps you already saw the gatefolds. Are the gatefolds not nice? The gatefolds are nice; it cannot be denied. Do you like them? Yes? Good. You paid 36 cents for them.
– Excerpt from the indicia to Timothy Sweeney’s Windfall Republic

There’s a moment early in the Lapping documentary where we actually get to watch the awareness of that rhetorical gambit’s potential effectiveness dawning across Milosevic’s face, and he seems as startled as anyone.
– Lawrence Weschler, "Convergences: Pillsbury Doughboy Messiahs"

[The John Birch Society] was founded in 1958 by retired candymaker Robert H. W. Welch, who, rather than playing checkers or wandering the beach with a metal detector, chose to spend his golden years assembling a cabal of industrialists and declaring holy war on Marxism.
– Dan Kelly, "Birchismo," The Baffler #13

Koalas look cuddly, but I am lead to understand that they’re actually irritable, solitary beasts who do not want belly rubs. What kind of mocking God created creatures with poofy ears and big black noses that don’t want belly rubs?
– L. Fitzgerald Sjöberg, "Marsupials", The Brunching Shuttlecocks

Been around the world and found that only stupid people are breeding,
the cretins cloning and feeding,
and I don’t even own a TV…
– Harvey Danger, Flagpole Sitta

Reading Scott Turow is like going to law school; it’s in Chicago and it sucks.
– From Tim Church’s Amazon.com review of Personal Injuries

If you are not dumb, or are dumb but have good taste, you will want to buy a McSweeney’s T-shirt, licensed by us and for sale to you.
– Timothy McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

The drawing, and the whole shirt, is so beautiful that you will cry each time you see it. It will make innocent people, innocent people who will pass you and the shirt on the sidewalk, cry. Everyone will cry when they see this shirt. Tears of joy.
– Timothy McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Cincinnati at Seattle – Bad Haiku With No Rules, #5:
Most people can’t say
Holmgren, homegrun, holgren
hogrun, holgrim, Mike
Prediction: Seattle.
– Jeff Johnson, Weekly NFL Picks, Timothy McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I’m just a kid. I don’t need that kind of trouble.
– Kenny, age 7, when asked if it is better to be single or married

Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
– CitizenC

Treading water gives you time to learn and think about and love yourself, because your head should ideally be above the waterline and even though the sun is a scalding bitch and your muscles fatigue and cramp often, it does let kids think and also listen to my commands and orders and lectures.
– Jeff Johnson, McSweeney’s

How can I explain away something that I haven’t done,
and if you can’t trust me now you’ll never trust in anyone…
– Sugar, If I Can’t Change Your Mind

Securing our reputation as the industry’s leading voice of meaningless formal experimentation and the virtues of sacrificing emotion, sympathy and love to fancy colors and zingy typography…
– Tagline from The Acme Novelty Library #14

If they wanna fight, let ‘em fight… ‘cause I ain’t fightin’! I wouldn’t give a fuck if I saw a Russian tank rollin’ down Flatbush Avenue.
– Chris Rock, on gays in the military

I have told the cinnamon girl how I will never be forgiven for this. Never. How by the time you reach a certain history and situation you’re bound up with other people, part of a larger thing. How the whole constellation becomes as liquid, and any agitation ripples.
– David Foster Wallace, Say Never

Reading Ayn Rand and living your life by it is like watching Mission: Impossible II and trying that front-wheelie, jousting trick. Nothing good will come of it.
– Tim Noonan, The Industry Standard, Vol. 3, No. 26

The Jets have an offensive lineman named Jumbo Elliott who likes to get drunk and urinate in the sinks of women’s bathrooms in select Long Island taverns in the summertime. Then he playfully punches women in the breasts as an encore. Then he never apologizes.
– Jeff Johnson, Weekly NFL Picks, Timothy McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

If you are doin’ business with a religious son of a bitch, get it in writing. His word isn’t worth shit, not with the good Lord tellin’ him how to fuck you on the deal.
– William S. Burroughs, Words of Advice

Confession implies penitence. I merely regret his accidental involvement.
– Veidt, on Blake’s murder, Watchmen

Okay, there’s beer in the kitchen!
– Latiolais, responding to "I’m sorry, I don’t drink."

I invented porn. Me and your mom, that is.
– strangury, #jesus?

eSacred: St. Etienne isn’t really mainstream, though.
eSacred: Its just not good.
KnaraKat: It’s more mainstream than the music my weenus makes at night.
eSacred: I imagine the music your weenus makes at night is sort of lonely wailing.
eSacred: Like Morrissey.

eZillno: QUIET. I’m masturbating.
ichimunki: if you can call it that, gilno.
eZillno: I call masturbating, m_wibby. The international community calls it a war crime.

The other point is that by making television more appealing, the black box encourages people to watch even more of it. This prospect may cast doubts on the future of intelligent life, but it should, in theory, be good for TV networks.
– Michael Lewis, on the TiVo system, "Boombox," The New York Times Magazine

Faith is… the vice of fomenting contempt for one’s own inner powers of self criticism, for one’s need and determination to see with the most severe strictures of penetrating truth.
– Ken Smith, "End Times", The Comics Journal #221

It won’t go now…
– Colin Evans, after disassembling and reassembling a video tape

The judge’s ruling marks a key victory for the recording industry in its aggressive crusade against poor high school students and fun.
– Jon Stewart, The Daily Show

Man is but a network of relationships, and these alone matter to him.
– A. de Saint-Exupery, Pilote di Guerre

One owes respect to the living.
To the dead one owes only truth.
– Voltaire

A year ago… a cold October night…
a broken down car on a dirt road…
a man… a girl… madness… pain… and the shadows…
my God, the shadows…
– The Crow

Because that’s how things are, and this goes for everyone: we will never find out why we irritate people, what bothers people about us, what they like about us, what they find ridiculous; for our own image is our greatest mystery.
– Milan Kundera, Immortality

Societies lose coins more often than they lose gods.
– Andy Carra

That which does not kill us, makes us stronger.
– Friedrich Nietzsche

Never quite said what I wanted to say to you,
never quite managed the words to explain to you,
never quite knew how to make them believable,
and now the time has gone…
– The Cure

In war there are no innocent victims.
– J. Romains

The first wind of winter blew from the north, and it had ice and rime on its breath. It was dirty and sharp and it cut like a razor, and if it touched you, you could wash until your skin was tattered and bloodied, but you’d never be clean again.
– Neil Gaiman, Doll’s House

"I am Anti-Life, the Beast of Judgement. I am the dark at the end of everything. The end of universes, gods, worlds… of everything. Sss. And what will you be then, Dreamlord?"
"I am hope."
– Neil Gaiman

By the time I was 12 or so, I had figured out that reading this stuff wasn’t exactly going to teach me how to rule the school; it was a marginal, suspect activity, like Dungeons & Dragons, or arson.
– Erik Dussere, Salon.com, on reading comic books

The aroma of congregations of sheep inherently attracts opportunist wolves, who sense the perfect settings for their own Machiavellian craftiness: who better to manipulate than those who have scruples against questioning and seeing?
– Ken Smith, "End Times," The Comics Journal #221

God offers to every mind its choice between truth and repose. Take which you please; you can never have both.
– Ralph Waldo Emerson

Fella taught me to fight was the same piece of shit shot my daddy dead in fronta my eyes…
That’ll tend to focus your concentration.
– Jesse Custer, Preacher #65

He always kept a grenade taped to his belly because he was a Catholic and he knew what the Paddy Lao would do to him if he were captured.
– Michael Herr, Dispatches

Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.
– George W. Bush, LaCross, WI, October 18, 2000

We just moved in a month ago, so we’d like to spill a bunch of liquor on the floors, walls and furniture.
– Matt Priest, explaining the purpose of a party

It’s also well established that computer users are better lovers. I know because I heard an actual anecdote from someone who knew a woman who married a computer user and they reportedly had sex many times. I realize this isn’t statistically valid, but you have to admit it’s the most persuasive thing I’ve written so far.
– Scott Adams, "We Are Gods"

Do a web search on [Ol’ Dirty Bastard] if you want a run-down of all the trouble he’s in. He’s been shot, has 13 kids, got into a gunfight with the NYPD and sued them, and has been busted for drugs a couple of times. He’s also saved a couple of people’s lives. He’s fucked up, but he’s a superhero.
– Jeff Johnson, Weekly NFL Picks, Timothy McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Somebody should arrest [CBS Announcer] Bill Maas. He is a class A jackass: "Hey Ronnie, why do people hate me? I’m doing all the work, I say ‘smash-mouth’ all the time, and no one really knows whether it is me or Madden talking until they hear Summerall knock over his bottle of gin."
– Jeff Johnson, Weekly NFL Picks, Timothy McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

It’s a sign of my increasing maturity that if I break the yolk on my fried eggs I no longer go into a week-long depression.
– L. Fitzgerald Sjöberg, "The Ratings: Egg Dishes," The Brunching Shuttlecocks

And the reason we let them get away with it is because they killed their own people, and we’re sort of fine with that… Oh help yourself, y’know, we’ve been trying to kill you for ages, so kill your own people, right on then…
– Eddie Izzard, Dressed to Kill, on Stalin and Pol Pot

Hitler killed people next door. Oh… stupid man. After a couple of years we won’t stand for that, will we?
– Eddie Izzard, Dressed to Kill

There is no sun without shadow, and it is essential to know the night.
– Albert Camus

Juan Dupuy

Where do these people come from? Is there an agency out there that reads the Net and says "Oops, not enough morons on this group," and then assigns some slack jawed, inbred, grit-eatin’ stooge to gum up the works?
– Jim Cowling

Deer never die of natural causes. Deer get killed. It’s a widely-known fact that deer are immortal creatures unless humans intervene.
– Mary Phillips-Sandy, "In My Town of Smallish Size and Stature," McSweeney’s

Perhaps, in a rare instance of subtle social satire, this film is being released on July 4 to remind America of the high cost of freedom of speech.
– Elvis Mitchell, The New York Times, on Scary Movie 2

All right, where is he? Where’s the creep who turned me into a spider-eating man bitch?
– Xander, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Granted, Black has picked his victim well. If you’re going to stage a Nixonian freak out about socialism today, Canada is one of the few places you can still do so without seeming utterly bonkers.
– Clive Thompson, "The Rod of Correction," The Baffler #14

Visiting Americans will find more warmth in Tehran than they will in New York, a city founded on the principle of Us versus Them. I don’t speak Latin but have always assumed the city motto translates as Go Home or We Don’t Like You Either.
– David Sedaris, Me Talk Pretty One Day

I was hoping the people of the world might be united by something more interesting, like drugs or an armed struggle against the undead.
– David Sedaris, Me Talk Pretty One Day

<mycroft> I just got an email about getting access to 230,000 porno sites… I’ll see you guys tomorrow.

Jed Bartlett: Twenty-seven lawyers in the room, anyone know "Post hoc, ergo propter hoc"? Josh?
Josh Lyman: Post – after, after hoc, ergo – therefore, after hoc, therefore something else hoc.
Jed Bartlett: Thank you. Next?

Last week, I wrote about how bad this tavern Bar None in New York was for watching football. Actually, it isn’t too horrible. Especially since last Sunday I was at an even worse place full of whiny Patriots fans who brought infants into this smoke-filled bunker and fed them yogurt until the whole place had to be evacuated.
– Jeff Johnson, Weekly NFL Picks, Timothy McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

"Yeah," Sammy said. "L.A."
"And what would you do out there, I wonder?"
"I don’t know. Try to get work in television, maybe."
"Television, yes," Deasy said with a show of distaste. "Yes, you’d be very good at that."
– Michael Chabon, Kavalier & Clay

Slashdot: You fucking Fascists. We hate you.
MPAA: But look at these shiny colors!
Slashdot: Oooh! How much?
– .sig seen on Slashdot

After being denied a boxing license by the Nevada Athletic Commission, Mike Tyson told a reporter that Lennox Lewis was a coward. When the reporter pointed out that Lennox Lewis had nothing to do with the Commission’s decision, Tyson raped him.
– SNL Weekend Update

There has grown in the minds of certain groups in this country the idea that just because a man or corporation has made a profit out of the public for a number of years, the government and the courts are charged with guaranteeing such a profit in the future, even in the face of changing circumstances and contrary to public interest. This strange doctrine is supported by neither statute or common law. Neither corporations or individuals have the right to come into court and ask that the clock of history be stopped, or turned back.
– Robert A. Heinlein, "Life Line"

D., who is plump, coffee-colored, and nondescript, can pass for almost any nationality other than her own. Today she felt like being from Peru. One of the many benefits of working with D. was that I did not have to do much of anything expect pay and think up my questions. Most of the time I sat looking stupid. It was a great life.
– William T. Vollmann, Rising Up and Rising Down

I have seen few persuasive arguments for smoking, but Seager’s trick of gracefully removing a single match and a single cigarette from his jacket pocket and, in one swift movement, a magician’s sleight of hand, slipping the cigarette into his mouth, snapping the match against a fingernail, and drawing in a lungful of smoke without pausing in his lecture was one: he transformed the act into an elegant performance.
– Steven Conelley, Man is Born for Sorrow as the Sparks Fly Upward

Little by little we’re blending and merging until one day we’re all gonna be one united people living and working and dancing together, like the news, or Ally McBeal, or the people that work at Saturn!
– Mr. Feather, Undercover Brother, on race relations

The one beautiful woman reprograms the amnesia woman into thinking she’s a killer robot that must do the beautiful woman’s bidding. The killer robot accepts her new identity so easy you have to wonder if she’s just faking the amnesia and was always looking for a good reason to go on a killing spree.
– Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

40-pound cat that is 1/2 wild African Serval on the loose on Connecticut shore. Maybe he’ll run into a Chinese walking death fish.
– article summary on Fark.com

Personally, I think Bill Gates’s vision of every useful personal, corporate, and government Internet resource relying on Microsoft’s .Net services and its Passport system of verification is refreshingly nuts. In his last days, Nixon would say things like that, sending his staff edging out of the Oval Office to punch the number for the Joint Chiefs of Staff and tell ‘em to ignore any and all direct orders regarding nuclear missiles.
– Andy Ihnatko

Theoretically you have been racing for about forty seconds now, and so far Mr. Schaffer is in the lead because he’s nearest to the door.
– John Cleese, Rat Race

Intelligent design awkwardly embraces two clashing deities – one a glutton for praise and a dispenser of wrath, absolution, and grace, the other a curiously inept cobbler of species that need to be periodically revised and that keep getting snuffed out by the very conditions he provided for them.
– Frederick C. Crews, Saving Us From Darwin

For some reason they had graduated on the same day, even though one, I think Steve, the one who was almost crosseyed, was a year older than Eddie, who had Shawn Cassidy hair and eyes that didn’t blink and had come up with Hand’s nickname – first it was Hands, because as a toddler he’d catch any ball thrown to him – and was later shortened to Hand, to sound less like someone who would want time alone with your children.
– David Eggers, You Shall Know Our Velocity

Tampa Bay at Carolina – Buc WR Keyshawn Johnson and his ego are trying to squeeze into China. There’s not enough room. Nancy Walker from the old Bounty commercials shows up and delivers him a massive cock-punch. No punchline necessary. Prediction: Tampa Bay.
– Jeff Johnson, Weekly NFL Picks, Timothy McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

I think the Bridge Layer is a result of G.I. Joe and Cobra’s constant attempts to top each other. The Joes make a tank, Cobra makes a tank with an extra tread. Cobra makes a helicopter, the Joes make a helicopter that can fly underwater. The vicious cycle never ends, and these battling entities end up overlooking the basic point of victory just so they can say they were the first ones to have talking metal blimps shaped like sharks. Cobra Commander didn’t start wearing a hood till he saw Duke in his winter hat.
– Matt, x-enternatainment.com

I didn’t know there was this much Depeche Mode.
– rjn, looking through Andy’s cd collection

God? Help us. God, are you there? Surely this is a really bad fuckin’ joke, God. This B-actor, idiot, fuckin’ illiterate bozo-lookin’ fuck can’t be the president of the country, can he God? Not really… Reach your hands down from the clouds and pinch my butt to make sure I’m not dreaming!
– prayer to God about Reagan, Bill Hicks, Arizona Bay

Time stops for the duration of a cigarette: when you’re smoking, you’re acutely present to yourself; you step outside the unconscious forward rush of life. This is why the condemned are allowed a final cigarette, this is why (or so the story goes) gentlemen in evening dress stood puffing at the rail as the Titanic went down: it’s a lot easier to leave the world if you’re certain you’ve really been in it.
– Jonathan Franzen, Sifting the Ashes

We staged a What is Beauty? Pageant which had a lot of complicated shit going on. My favourite moment of the night was when the eight contestants who had been eliminated in the second round began passing around a bottle of whiskey on the wooden stage, under the summer night sky, and taunted the three finalists, sneering, "Who do you think you are?" and like that.
– Sheila Heti, The Middle Stories/Trampoline Hall Tour program

<uhtu[wrk]> i need to spend less time online. i just got an email from my mom asking what "woot" meant, because it slipped into a letter.

In 2002 it’s possible to see both Springsteen and Punk as flavors of Seventies escape: Run away or kill them all, either way you don’t have to deal with all these intractably different assholes. Punk rock also followed Springsteen’s imaginary-conservative strategy: the big point of the Ramones was that rock had deviated from its pre-hippie purity. But while Bruce tried to revive that purity through nostalgia, the Ramones’ raw, simple sound captured the harsh Seventies reality. The murderous, rejected hustler in "53rd and 3rd" was the kind of of person the heroes of Born to Run sped past in their souped-up car, fleeing toward the Boss’s imaginary all-nite burger stand.
– Seth Sanders and Mike O’Flaherty, 44,000,000 Reagan Fans Can’t Be Wrong, The Baffler #15

It’s also noteworthy that when a pc RPG employs voice acting, even the biggest and most capable stars lose all talent the moment they step into the recording room. When you hear your character being voiced by Mark Hamill halfheartedly mutter "I can’t take any chances, I must track Dorfgannon down before more innocent lives are lost," the sense that he’s really thinking "I was Luke fucking Skywalker, I used to bang Harrison Ford and now I’m doing this shit" is frighteningly palpable. If the game is a port from a Japanese title, there’s a chance that the English dub may be fatal.
– SomethingAwful.com, "How to Survive in Any RPG"

Fred: That was awful what it did to that little girl.
Lorne: Oh, it– it killed a girl?
Wesley: Not really a girl. Something ancient and evil dressed like a girl.
– Angel, "Habeus Corpses"

I want to keep fighting because it is the only thing that keeps me out of the hamburger joints. If I don’t fight, I’ll eat this planet.
– George Foreman

Even Gary was anarchic sometimes. He liked best to send the electric engine barreling into curves and derail it, see the black chunk of metal skid awkwardly and roll and spark in frustration. Second best was to place plastic cows and cars on the rail and engineer little tragedies.

What gave him the real techno boner, however, was a radio-controled toy automobile, much advertised on television lately, that went anywhere. To avoid ambiguity he planned to make it the only item on his Christmas list.

– Jonathan Franzen, The Corrections

There was no feeling that deserved more to be bottled and reapplied at leisure than having recently been kissed by a pretty girl.
– Glen David Gold, Carter Beats the Devil

Trying to predict when they’d reach the next frontier, and whether the people on the far side of it would be Protestant or Catholic, and how serious about being Prot. or Cath. they’d be, was simply too difficult. Much simpler to be saucily irreligious everywhere and, if people got offended, run away. It worked most places.
– Neal Stephenson, Quicksilver

Korea asks everyone to spell its name with a "C" so it can precede Japan in the alphabet. Chapan says go for it. China looks up sharply.
– article summary on Fark.com

First of all, you don’t slap a man. Okay? I mean even when slapping was fashionable – y’know, they did it in Paris, a guy would come up, *whapap* "I challenge you to a duel!" They would have a gunfight after that! Somebody had to go!
– Charlie Murphy, Chappelle’s Show

Insiders say the woman is acting on principle, convinced the defendants had no criminal intent, and did not realize stealing $600 million from the company was illegal. You might liken her to Henry Fonda’s character in Twelve Angry Men, only this juror is a woman, and completely wrong.
– Jon Stewart, The Daily Show, on the Tyco trial

Many years before, during the life of the great Mr Pitt, the King had suffered a servere bout of madness and the Prince had ruled in his place, but then the King had recovered and the Prince had found his powers and privileges stripped away from him. Of all the tiresome situations in the world, thought the Prince Regent, the most tiresome was to rise from one’s bed in a state of uncertainty as to whether or not one was the ruler of Great Britain.
– Susanna Clarke, Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell

When I rolled out of floor this morning I thought, “Golly, I hope there’s yet another ass-eating memory card format to talk about today!” My prayers were met with a double blessing it seems, as a Taiwanese technology consortium not only announced a new format, but named it something that required me to look up an HTML entity — You are my sunshine, M¼-Card.
– Gizmodo.com, 1/25/05

Standing in the room where the Mutual Criticism took place, Valesky and I conjecture about how the process went for future assassin Charles Guiteau. (In the glossary of a children’s book about the Garfield assassination, one of the vocabulary words kids are supposed to learn by studying Guiteau is “nuisance.”)
– Sarah Vowell, Assassination Vacation

I find this classicism versus modernism tiff interesting to think about. First, from this side of the twentieth century, après strip malls, fast-food franchises, glass boxes, housing projects, and other architectural gaffes, it’s fun to look back on this dilemma of to-column-or-not-to-column, because honestly, the only question most Americans ask about a new building at this point is basically: Is it a soul-sucking eyesore of cheap-ass despair? It’s not? Whew.
– Sarah Vowell, Assassination Vacation

The Alberta Department of the Environment is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the area. People are advised to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not startle, a bear unexpectedly. They also recommend carrying pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity, and to know the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller, and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur, whereas grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them, and frequently smell like pepper spray.
– Click & Clack, Car Talk, 5/21/05

As for my plan, the Trojan horse was on its way. Only instead of a horse stuffed with a bunch of Greeks, we had a Le Car stuffed with one tiny gay.
– Earl Hickey, My Name is Earl

How many times in life can we make decisions that are important but will not hurt anyone? Are we obligated—maybe we are—to say yes to any choice when no one will be hurt? We use the word hurt when talking about things like this because when these things go wrong it can feel as if you were hit in the sternum by a huge animal that’s run for miles just to strike you.
– Dave Eggers, The Only Meaning of the Oil-Wet Water

So in a way I’m kind of glad those Danish embassies burned, because maybe Bush will take the hint and not land us in another tar swamp. One’s plenty. But let’s be realistic. Bush’s last contact with reality was his senior-year report card at Yale. He didn’t enjoy it and hasn’t been back since.
– Gary Brecher, War Nerd, “Arise, Ye Danes!”

Allowing people of the same gender to get married is no more of a slippery slope leading to human-chimp hybrids than allowing people of different races to get married, or when marriage stopped being a property arrangement with women as the property, or when paleolithic humans finally stopped f-boming chimps.
– Ze Frank, The Show, 6/9/06

The only way I can get to sleep at night is by imagining a secret cabal of highly competent puppetmasters who are handling the important decisions while our elected politicians debate flag burning and the definition of marriage. It’s the only explanation for how the governments of the world could be staffed with morons and yet everything still runs okay, sort of. Granted, things aren’t perfect, but when you hear our leaders talk, you have to wonder why our energy policy doesn’t involve burning asbestos on playgrounds.
– Scott Adams, Dilbert.blog, 7/10/06

So in the last week, President Bush has called on Americans to use the five-year anniversary of September 11th as a chance to recall the unity that we felt in its aftermath. It was a pretty amazing unity. We were certainly bonded together by fear but also by a kind of hopefulness. It was a hopefulness from the experience of the amazing strength that we have when we decide to help each other. That unity was not about the government. It was a shared determination among us to make things better. The President seems to think that “unity” implies supporting him and his policies. In my personal opinion, the President has no right to attach himself to that part of our experience. He already had his shot.
– Ze Frank, The Show, 9/7/06

Henry refused to read it. “I’m sure it’s over my head, Bunny, really,” he said, glancing over the first page. “Say, what’s wrong with this type?”

“Triple-spaced it,” said Bunny proudly.

“These lines are about an inch apart.”

“Looks kind of like free verse, doesn’t it?”

Henry made a funny little snorting noise through his nose. “Looks kind of like a menu,” he said.

– Donna Tartt, The Secret History

Hot damn! It is summer again in America, and the goofy Child President has declared his long-overdue War on Fat. The nation is plunged, once again, into another life-or-death WAR against the forces of Evil. Wonderful. Let’s get it over with. We are Patriotic people, but there is some shit we won’t eat… It is one thing to be trampled like scum by our own Military Police and quite a goddamn other to be wallowed and stomped on by Fat People.
– Hunter S. Thompson, Kingdom of Fear

Some guy who used to work for us says here that the reason we’re having problems with the iPhone and OS X is that we don’t have enough powerful VPs. He says the reason for this is that I won’t allow anyone powerful to get underneath me. Suggestion is that El Jobso is kind of paranoid and insecure. You know what? You’d be paranoid and insecure too if you once got thrown out of your own damn company.
– Fake Steve Jobs, April 17, 2007

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